{"id":23492,"date":"2020-07-19T17:42:30","date_gmt":"2020-07-19T07:42:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jenkuo.com\/?p=23492&preview=true&preview_id=23492"},"modified":"2023-05-25T21:02:11","modified_gmt":"2023-05-25T11:02:11","slug":"2019-review","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenkuo.com\/2019-review\/","title":{"rendered":"2019 Review: Patience & Trust"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Note<\/span>: My year runs from April to March. Each annual review can be found here: 2022<\/a>, 2021<\/a>, 2020<\/a>, 2019<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Overall Reflection<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This year came with another big wake up call from the universe, where I finally was able to see what kept me spinning my wheels in my pursuit of business success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Driven by blind ambition and the never-ending need to prove myself, all my accomplishments up until this point were achieved by brute force<\/em> since I had no patience with myself. When I have a goal in mind, I develop tunnel vision and proceed to mow the goal down with everything I’ve got. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pushing myself hard to achieve my goals was a price I had always been willing to pay, until it became clear to me why I was stuck in the cycle of the perpetual chase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always attacked my goals at 120% (because 100% was not enough). I was proud of my “work ethic”. Throwing myself at my goals has been the only way I knew how to operate in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did the same thing in business. I went after arbitrary goals and what I thought I wanted because I wanted to be successful<\/em>. But what I realised was all the activities I believed I had to do in order to achieve success and to keep myself busy were really just masking my fears of failure and my insecurities about my career since I could never figure out what I really should be doing with my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Followed by an uninspiring career sitting in cubicles inside uninspiring companies, my unhealthy relationship with work was the source of pain and suffering behind my business experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since becoming an entrepreneur, I’d throw myself into every business idea I see other people succeed with, and worked hard at achieving the same success. And when I find myself failing at other people’s business ideas, I was forced to face all the negative emotions about myself and my work that stemmed from anxiety, stress, feelings of instability and uncertainty that ultimately dragged down my mental state.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started the year in a pretty bad place feeling like a loser (again). However, as I continued to learn to sit with all the negative emotions (by not pushing them down), I was able to turn my mindset around by coaching myself, and ended the year with a different outlook on life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was another hard year where I needed to do a lot of growing and deep self work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things To Celebrate<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Improved Relationship With Parents<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\"four<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

My relationship with my parents finally started to improve. While on the surface, it may seem like we get along, but in reality, our relationship has been strained for a long time because of my inability to express myself with words<\/a>, and the fact that I never felt accepted and understood by them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our communication with each other has never been great because they are also not great at communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being around them feels like I was always trapped in a big tangled mess of mixed emotions and energy. It’s a mix of love and gratitude for them, yet at the same time, feeling trapped and suffocated because their energy to me was overbearing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like most parents who want what they think <\/em>is best for you, they’ve tried dictating where my life should go, and what I should do without being explicit, but I feel it in their energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I need them and want them in my life, I also wanted them to leave me alone<\/em> so I can find my own path in life without criticism and judgement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The tension between us comes from our different world views, cultural upbringing and beliefs about everything \u2014 work, career, marriage, relationships, friendships…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whenever things get heated, I’d just ignore them, not engage and get the hell away because I had no desire to listen to advice or behave in ways that doesn’t align with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In February, I finally puckered up the courage to tell them how I really felt and the weight finally dropped as I began to learn to express myself and communicate better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Really glad our relationship is finally in repair and moving to a better place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self Development Work<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\"person<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I continued to struggle to get clarity, and was stuck in confusion, anxiety and stress because I had no idea what I really wanted to build for a new business I desperately tried to create.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After body work sessions with a healer friend, I learned that my body and nervous system was in freeze. I was told to learn to really listen to my body<\/strong> (not my mind) because that’s where the truth ultimately lies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I resisted getting a job, I eventually came to terms with it after working through the shame, feeling like a failure, and the negative emotions associated with a job. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My self talk went from:<\/p>\n\n\n\n