{"id":36243,"date":"2020-09-30T16:06:23","date_gmt":"2020-09-30T06:06:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jenkuo.com\/?p=36243"},"modified":"2023-04-03T14:33:01","modified_gmt":"2023-04-03T04:33:01","slug":"fear-of-writing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenkuo.com\/fear-of-writing\/","title":{"rendered":"Overcoming My Fear of Writing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The unsolicited messages I received when I officially launched V1.0 of JenKuo.com<\/a> in May 2020 overwhelmed me with a mix of emotions\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Writing<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Never in my life have I ever imagined receiving feedback like this about my writing because I sucked at it for a long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After enduring a lifelong battle with words<\/strong>, I am now standing on the other side looking back at my journey in awe and disbelief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is why the breakthrough I felt in March 2020 felt like a miracle<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The dark clouds that have overshadowed me for 30 years finally cleared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Writing is still<\/em> challenging for me because it’s an art form, and a craft that requires years to master. The difference is I’m no longer sitting with fear and resistance when I write.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since deciding to write about it in May, I battled with the enormity of this piece because it’s been a long road to get myself to this point \u2014 a point where I feel like I’m finally on an even playing field with everyone else who never felt the fear and resistance when they write because writing comes naturally to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

True to the hero’s journey, my battle with words turned out to be so much more<\/em> than just my struggle with writing. The reality is fear doesn’t just show up in one place, it shows up in multiple places in our lives because that’s the nature of being human.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My journey lead me down the darkest valleys where I learned to face my dragons and demons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because my battle with words spanned three decades, it’s impossible to encapsulate everything in one single article. Hence why I sat with the idea for months, not knowing how to best tackle it in a way that makes sense to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So… this is my best attempt at giving you a glimpse of what life was like for me as I present a \u201cbirds eye view\u201d of my long journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you also struggle with words and writing, I can only hope that telling my story opens up a few doors for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Struggle at School<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

My struggle with words became obvious to me when I was 11 years old during my first year of high school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The struggle did not surface in primary school because I was busy learning English in ESL (English as a Second Language) classes from the 4th Grade, after my family moved to Sydney from Taiwan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was not until high school that I started attending English classes with everyone else, and I couldn\u2019t have hated English more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

English was the bane of my existence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hated writing essays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hated creative writing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hated English assignments and exams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I really hated was the fact that I almost always end up staring at the blank piece of paper<\/strong> in front of me, feeling completely stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d sit in class pretending like I\u2019m trying to write something with my head down and shoulders hunched over, but what I was really doing was staring at the pen in my hand thinking… \u201cWhy are you not moving?!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCome on! Write something!” <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“You can\u2019t hand in a blank page!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thought of writing made my body freeze up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every. Time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coming up with just 1 page of \u201csomething\u201d from nothing was a monumental struggle. Didn\u2019t matter what it was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again and again, I\u2019d end up watching my classmates with their heads down, feverishly filling up their blank pages with words, and I’d sit there listening to the annoying sounds of rustling paper as they flip their pages over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being in the same class with kids who could easily write anything they wanted filled me with feelings of awe, jealousy and inadequacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I often wondered \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me??? Why can\u2019t I write like everyone else?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d chalk it up to \u201cMaybe I\u2019m just not creative<\/a>\u2026 I don’t have any good ideas.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My mind goes blank and decides to empty itself at the thought of writing. Getting something on the page always required a tremendous amount of willpower, effort and energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of the time, I\u2019d sit in English classes staring at the clock feeling all twisted up inside\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On one hand I wished time would go slower because it takes so long for me to write something, while on the other hand I wished time would move faster, so I can be put out of my misery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact that English was a mandatory part of the high school curriculum felt like punishment. I dreaded the days English showed up on my timetable because all it did was make me feel anxious, inadequate and worthless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Struggle in Music<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I’ve always loved music for as long as I can remember. Music was how I made sense of the world growing up \u2014 it’s my language. Mum would always find me happily humming to myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I discovered my ability to write music at 14 when I was given my first composition assignment in Music class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As musical ideas popped into my head, I couldn’t wait to play them out on the piano and feel the rise of excitement in me to hear what my ideas would sound like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember locking myself away in the music room for days after school to work on my composition. It was so much fun and so fulfilling to see my creation come to life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even though the creative process is the same, my experience writing words and writing music was night and day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deep down, I wanted to write songs<\/strong> but the thought of writing words stopped me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn’t until my early 20s when I decided to pursue songwriting and to work in the music industry that I seriously started attempting to write songs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every time I tried writing lyrics, resistance showed up and I never got very far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was like staring at the blank page in English classes all over again. And it was excruciating not being able to do what I really wanted to do in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In some rare occasions when I was able to put some lyrics down, I\u2019d look at it and go \u201cWhat a load of crap\u2026!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I either threw it away or buried my notebook into my drawer feeling disappointed, frustrated and angry with myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was very conscious about leaving any of my \u201cwriting attempts\u201d lying around on my desk because I didn’t have the capacity to deal with the embarrassment and shame I know I’ll feel if someone found my crappy work \u2014 even if it’s my mum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I always made sure to bury my work away<\/em> somewhere so no one can “stumble upon it” by accident. I needed to keep everything to myself as a protection mechanism, even from my own family and friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My reserved, shy and quiet behaviour stemmed from being a very guarded and closed off kid with very little to say about anything. I’ve always preferred to be left alone to stay in my own little world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I finally worked up the courage to pursue music at 24… my dream of writing songs was realised when I partnered with a friend who wrote lyrics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because words have always felt useless to me, music naturally became the tool I used to help me express my sensitive soul and to process all my feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To me, music speaks when words fail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The Struggle in Business<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When I threw myself into entrepreneurship in 2010, I learned to generate traffic with SEO in order to sell products online as an affiliate marketer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEO is content based and required writing… lots of writing. Talk about a bad fit! Because I was a newbie entrepreneur, I just followed what other people did and pig-headed my way through it because I didn’t know any better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course I struggled my ass off, and ended up having to hire writers to write articles for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I stopping doing affiliate marketing, I started a marketing agency to help small businesses with their online marketing, and continued to educate myself on business and marketing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more I learned, the more I recognised how important writing is in business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good writing meant standing out<\/em> in your niche, which meant more recognition, more traffic and more sales.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bad writing meant being ignored<\/em>, blending into the noise and getting stuck on struggle street.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Words was again standing in my way \u2014 preventing me from creating the life I wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because I saw the life long benefit and the advantage to being a good writer, as well as understanding the utility of writing<\/em> in marketing and communications… I decided to do the impossible.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided to get good at copywriting, and invested in books, programs and mentorship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, no matter how much I practiced, the resistance persisted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know how to make the resistance I felt go away until I realised something profound that changed how I saw my struggle with writing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were layers of deeper problems hidden<\/em> beneath my struggle with writing that kept showing up in the form of resistance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Writing was just a surface level problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forcing myself to sit at my desk to repeatedly scribble words on paper was not<\/em> going to cut it. I came to realise that I was doing the right thing at the wrong time<\/strong> that wasn’t helping me progress toward where I wanted to go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The problems I had were not just about putting words on paper, grammar, structure or vocabulary. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I needed to find the root problem and solve it once and for all, because I knew if I didn’t do that for myself, my life would never change for the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I really examined what writing is all about… I realised that at the core, writing is all about communication and self expression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Communication Problem<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I eventually recognised that the same resistance<\/strong> showed up in my body whenever I tried to speak \u2014 this was the reason why I stayed quiet growing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every time I tried to express myself with words, it’s as if an invisible lump would appear at the back of my throat, blocking the right words from coming out of my mouth. I’ve always struggled to find the words to say what I really wanted to say, and it made me frustrated and angry at myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Very often, my words come out wrong and I end up hurting people I care about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve always been very direct and blunt when I do open my mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because my communication and conversation skills were underdeveloped, it was easier and safer for me to stay quiet and to keep to myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For decades, the question that kept surfacing in my mind was\u2026 \u201cWhy is it so hard to articulate how I really feel, and say what I really want to say?\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I was frustrated with how incapable I was at communicating, I also had a deep desire to connect with people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the only way to connect with other human beings is through language and words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t tell you how many times I wished I was telepathic<\/strong> so I could just transmit my brainwaves to others and people would understand me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The struggle with communication was a big part of myself that I didn’t like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve always wanted to be the person who can talk to anyone, and was not afraid to meet people\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted to be able to easily make new friends\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted to have deep and meaningful conversations\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted to always speak my mind\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of all, I wanted to be able to fully express myself<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew my life would change if I learned to become that<\/em> person \u2014 A new person so different to the person I identified with and was conditioned to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I had to find what was standing in my way and figure out what was causing this immense struggle I feel every time I tried to communicate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It came down to FEAR.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s always fear. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fear stops us from achieving our dreams, and becoming the person we know<\/em> we want to become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started recognising how I talked to myself every time I tried to write or speak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was like living with a loud, multi-headed dragon screaming never ending criticism<\/em> in my head judging every single thing I do\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n